Lately a few people have started to ask me how our fertility treatment is going. I usually explain to them about the treatment I'm on, and how after a very tough year we have now been given the go ahead to start trying to conceive again.
And guess what pearl of wisdom always comes next? "Well the main thing really is that you need to relax about it all and it will happen". Really? Like, no shit? Gosh I've never heard that before. What original unsolicited advice you offer, you patronising fertile person. Any ideas on relaxations techniques? A bit of ohm chanting before shagging? Meditating under one of those hippy pyramid things? Inscence burning? No ideas? Then fuck off and keep your platitudes to yourself.
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gRRRRRRRRRRR.
It's so easy, I don't know what is wrong with us. Chill out man. etc etc etc
"I know lots of people who were trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening. Then they forgot about it, relaxed and they got pregnant immediately! Try that!"
God - Why didn't I think of that?
I still think some people wake up in the morning thinking 'What shite can I talk to someone today to make them miserable'
I despair...
I knew a couple who were so relaxed they couldn't be bothered having sex at all at all at all and they had a lovely baby a week later.
The baby was relaxed too, lovely and tanned.
:(
You know when it'll happen, don't you? When you least expect it!!! Like, one day, when you're in the depths of menstrual depression, when sex is the last thing on your mind, your body will tune into the fact that you're not thinking about conceiving and just, like, make an embryo as a nice surprise for you.
Oh my God they didn't. They didn't. The BASTARDS.
We went on holiday and relaxed good and proper over Christmas. Guess what! I was so relaxed I forgot to ovulate! Tee hee!
WFI - I know, we just don't have the technique right.
Mick - You could be right there...
Xbox - Ha ha!
Feebee - So can I expect to give birth in a garden shed in Limerick cos there's no room in the maternity hospital, and will the three wise men be showing up with pressies?
Nuts - you need to cut back on the relaxing. Satsuma is just too blood laid back.
It's just beyond maddening. Infuriating.
I should have a 'bingo' card made up with all the top 5 unwanted phrases, and have it laminated. Make a big show of drawing it out of your pocket and crossing one off when the occasion demands!
WFI patented this idea with Barren Bingo for Christmas.
I can think of lots of phrases.
You just need to relax.
Why don't you just adopt?
Don't worry I know a woman who started her family at 42 and had 10kids (ok an exageration, but I get that one a lot).
Why don't you go on holidays?
Move house...
" 'New house, new baby' is what they say"
Don't try so hard...
We've all heard those idiots- I wish they wouldn't say anything! How about, "just have a glass of wine and unwind."
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