Sunday, January 4, 2009

Optimism or bust

X box commented in my last post that my optimistic attitude is a refreshing one. In a way I feel like the biggest fake in the world. Part of me thinks this will be our year. It just has to be. The alternative is just too unbearable to contemplate. I cannot get to pushing 41 and not have had a child. If it hasn't happened by this time next year, I don't think it will ever happen, and that thought just scares the living crap out of me.

Whenever I contemplate what our life will be like if we never have children, I just feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. The feeling of sadness and grief for the children I carried but never got to meet is just overwhelming. The thoughts of always being Auntie Jane and Uncle John but never Mammy and Daddy just break my heart. The idea of us having no family around us in our old age, nobody coming to visit us, no grandchildren to dote on.

I really felt the loss of our babies as profoundly as ever this Christmas, if not moreso than previous years. We are now the only childless couple in both our families. I just feel like a spare wheel at family gatherings when all everyone can talk about is their kids. I really don't want to feel like this for the rest of our lives. I don't want us waking up on Christmas morning without our children. I don't want to paint this smile on my face and just get on with Christmas every year for the rest of our lives. I want a family to celebrate with.

So that's why we can not give up hope. This year has to be our year.

6 comments:

womb for improvement said...

Ah love. I really, really hope so.

Lisa DG said...

How about I'll hold your dream for you and you can hold my dream for me? I know how you feel as I am 40-Yes, I understand all those feelings too well. All we can do right now it to just keep getting up every time we're knocked down and truly believe that we can have our dreams.

Leslie Laine said...

Bless you for your honesty. I think the scariest part of this IF journey is not knowing when, or if, it will end. I was just thinking that this afternoon myself.

You are doing a tremendous job with maintaining as much positivity as you can. That's all you can do.

Keep hoping for 2009. I am.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

oh God, I don't know what to say now.

Sorry for dragging it up.

All I know is, if we had been through half of what you have, we would be locked away.

Kim said...

I am really hoping the two of you get all you wish for this year. So sorry you are going through this.

Jane G said...

WFI - Thanks hon.

Lisa - It's all we can do really.

Leslie - I agree with you, that is the scariest part.

Xbox - You'd be suprised what you could deal with, believe me!

Kim - Thanks x