Monday, December 22, 2008

Ahhhh! I'm meltingggg!

Well my head is anyway. Being a hardened pee stick addict, I decided at the weekend that I couldn't bare the suspense until Wednesday, so I conducted a wee experiment (literally).

Because I have had four hcg injections over the nine days following ovulation, I still have a certain level of synthetic pregnancy hormone in my system, which means that if I take a pregnancy test before 17 dpo, I will get a false positive result. So I figured the only way to test early is to test two days in a row and see if the line is getting weaker or stronger. So I did a test on Saturday and then another on Sunday, and the line was weaker on the Sunday. So far so shit.

It probably wasn't the wisest of days in the week to do this to myself, as we had decided to drive to a large shopping centre outside Dublin on Sunday to do the last of our Christmas shopping. So we parked up and made our way to the shops, passing a line of twenty or so little kids queueing to visit Santa. I remember passing a similar line of kids in the same centre this time last year and hoping that I would at least have a bump on me at this stage if not pushing a buggy. It just served to remind me that we are still stuck in the middle of all this shite, albeit with a small chink of light at the end of the tunnel, in that at least we are allowed to try to conceive again, for the first time in months.

Anyway the shops were absolutely thronged to the point of clausterphobia, and after a couple of hours I began to feel that old familiar crampy feeling in my belly. I found a bench outside the bookshop that John was in and as soon as I sat down I could feel the tears coming. I just felt so angry at myself for getting my hopes up and thinking we just might hit target the first month. For thinking we might have a reason to celebrate this Christmas, instead of the usual put-on-a-smile-and-get-on-with-it Christmases we have endured for the past two years.

I didn't bother testing again this morning, the thought of no line there at all was just too depressing to contemplate. But then as I got dressed I noticed my boobs feeling really sore and swollen, which is usually a pregnancy symptom rather than a PMT symptom for me. I'm still feeling tired too. So which is it? Is the witch on her way or not?

This is all such a head fuck.

6 comments:

Xbox4NappyRash said...

No advice here.

Just good luck, I hope so much that this is still going to work for ye this time.

Fat ladies and all that.

womb for improvement said...

Oh man! I'm still hanging out for your Christmas eve test. Then we'll talk. Don't give up just yet.

Kim said...

Head fuck is right. I am so hoping you get a BFP for Christmas or at least the New Year. I am sending positive emby implanting/growing correctly vibes your way.

nutsinmay said...

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Head fuck indeed. I shall be deeply unhelpful and point out I had cramps the cycle I got pregnant as well as all the cycles I didn't.

I am, metaphorically speaking, holding your hand.

Paint it Black said...

Arghhh 2ww are the worst!

Jane G said...

X box - I think the fat lady is due to arrive tomorrow morning.

WFI - I tested this morning, only a shadow of a line. I would be very surprised to see one at all tomorrow morning. Going on past pregancies, if I was pregnant there would be a very strong line by now.

Kim - Thanks for the positive vibes!

May - Thanks honey, hand holding is very welcome :)

PIB - So true! They're crap at the best of times, but at Christmas they are extra sucky.