Friday, February 27, 2009

Same shit, different month

15 DPO today. I have been checking my temps every morning for the past week or so. It was constant at 36.8+, it dropped to 36.58 this morning, signalling that the end is nigh for this cycle. Even though I held out little hope after ovulation that this would be our month, due to my knackered back and John's cold putting a bit of a brake on the baby making, there was still this "hmmmmm...maybe" glimmer at the back of my mind.

I blame the hcg injections myself. They are the instigators of fake symptoms which trick me every time. Two injections into the cycle and I am piddling like a puppy (well not all over the kitchen floor, but the same regularity), feeling a bit on the tired side, with mildly aching boobs. I try and ignore it all for the first week of the two week wait. Then on the second week, the "maybe" thoughts start creeping in. It only took us one go in the past..... But then by the end of the second week (around about now) the hcg has worked it's way out of my system, and the symptoms have disappeared, along with my optimism.

Sometimes I wonder are we mad to keep going at our age. I will be 40 at the end of May and John is three years older than me. In saying that, I think we are quite young in our appearance and in our ways for a couple our age. But my eggs don't know that I have young looking skin and that I like to shop in Oasis, they're still 40 year old eggs. And by the time our kids would be in their teens, we would be in our mid 50's. That's provided it happens for us soon.

The other thing that saddens me is that this has taken over three out of the first four years of our married life together. Early married life should be more fun than this. It shouldn't be about fertility drugs, mood swings, injections, timetable sex, disappointment, worry and anxiety. It just feels like we are on this non stop treadmill and we daren't press the stop button. It feels more and more difficult to keep going, but the consequences of stopping are just too hard to contemplate.

11 comments:

Chelsea Lietz said...

Well said. I'm sorry about the temp drop. It just shouldn't be this hard and this heartbreaking.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

ETs temp doesn't seem to drop until after her period's started. Tricky prick of a thing.

You don't dare to step off this, it's like being swept out to see, too far from the shore behind you and no land in sight.

I hope you take your few days to sulk, and get going again.

Take care.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

..out to 'sea' of course...

Leslie Laine said...

It's hard to keep going - especially in the wake of a failed cycle (which hasn't failed yet, mind you - it's not over until AF arrives!). I know what you mean about the brutal impact this all has on the first few years of marriage - it shouldn't be about all of this stuff that isn't so fun. But, I try to remember how close it's made us - there is no way we would be this close without the burden of infertility. It's never something I would have asked for, but I wouldn't trade the positive impact it's had on my relationship for the world.

Hang in there - you'll find the will to move forward. And, by the way, 40 is the new 30 - I don't give a damn what the statistics say! :)

Paint it Black said...

I'm sorry about your cycle.

I understand the parts about age and early marriage well. Although I am early 30s my husband is 43 1/2 and I feel the tick of the clock for him. We have been 'trying' for more of our marriage than not and that takes a toll.

Keep your head up, odds are eventually we will get pregnant, right?

Sarah said...

Stupid temp drop. Stupid infertility.

I dont have anything to say that would make you feel better unfortunately. Instead I'll send some virtual hugs your way along with the knowing head nod. I do understand.

womb for improvement said...

Your marriage is more than about having to have a child - that much is obvious from the tone of voice you use whenever you talk about John. But that doesn't mean you should give up.

Oh, nothing like advice from a comparative stranger just back from the pub, eh?

Take care, love.

fruitbowl said...

Hope you don't mind me crashing in. Just wanted to say, sorry things are frustrating. It does take over your life doesn't it? Hope things get better for you soon x

Kim said...

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. You are right, they shouldn't be. Salad days, my ass.

Lisa DG said...

I wish I had the "right" thing to say to make it better. I can say that I know very much how you are feeling. It sucks! I have to keep trying so I can imagine there is part of you that feels that way too.

Remember, people are living longer than in the past, so that could potentially give you more time with your children than in the past.

Jane G said...

Chelsea - Thanks.

Xbox - Sulking nearly done. John brought me home a box of chocolates on Saturday, not to say "I'm sorry you aren't pregnant" but to say "I'm sorry you're feeling sad because you're not pregnant". What a star :)

Leslie - I have to say the same thing about our relationship. The whole experience, particularly the miscarriages brought us closer in a way I wouldn't have thought possible. Probably because we were the only people who really "knew" the babies we lost, even though we never got to meet them.

PIB - Let's hope the odds are in our favour.

Sarah - Thanks!

WFI - I showed your comment to John the other day and he was well chuffed. Thanks for saying that.

Fruitbowl - Thanks for dropping by. It's always nice to see comments from new visitors. Hope things improve for you soon too.

Kim - Indeed!

Lisa - That's true about the longevity thing. One of my Dad's aunts is still alive 101 years old.