Thursday, December 24, 2009

I'm dreaming of a not so shite Christmas

I have been extremely crap when it comes to blogging, answering comments and leaving comments on other peoples' blogs lately, so you will have to forgive me. Recovering from pregnancy loss in the run up to Christmas ain't easy. Although the whole process of having to go through the motions of getting ready for the festive season is a bit of a distraction, I still feel fairly crap about it all. But I would do anything to distract from cleaning my house right now, so I thought I might as well come on here and blog.

So, the year that was 2009:

January - Rang in the new year full of optimism. I believe my phrase was "this has to be our year". Never going to say that again

February - Still not pregnant, but not trying again all that long, so have to be patient.

March - Am told I am going to be made redundant in May. Go on holidays to UK for a week, try SMEP, doesn't work. All that drunken sex for nothing. How bad.

April - This month marks the three year anniversary of us starting to try to conceive. John turns 43. We celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. Not pregnant.

May - Finish up at work. I turn 40 at the end of the month and have a big party.

June - Ten days holiday in Northern Italy. Fab time. Weather in Ireland turns Mediterranean.

July - Post holiday false alarm on the pregnancy front. Shit.

August - In typical Irish summer fashion, the weather has gone to crap and it is lashing rain every day. I do my first job interview in five years. The role ends up being filled internally, but am told I interviewed well. Considering I was strung out on mood altering fertility drugs at the time, I'm taking that as a good thing. Begin counselling to try and get our heads around where we are going on the baby making front.

September - Weather picks up. I decide to come off clomid after over a year of consecutive cycles on the Satan sweets.

October - Feeling better for being off clomid. Not pregnant though.

November - Another job interview. Again am told that I didn't get the job but interviewed well. John gets struck down with man flu. I take advantage of his weakened state and jump his bones. Results in me getting pregnant. Afraid to hope, but I still feel more relaxed about this pregnancy than any other before.

December - After a week of on and off abdominal pain, I go into maternity hospital for emergency scan at six weeks gestation. Diagnosed with ectopic pregnancy and have surgery. Fifth pregnancy loss and fourth round of surgery since we started ttc. Blurgh.

So that's the year in review. Wishing you all as peaceful and relaxing Christmas as possible, here's to the new decade. And I'm not going to stick my neck out and say this will be our year. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.


hairyfarmerfamily said...

Oh honey, you have had a proper year of it, haven't you? Such shitty awful luck. Hopefully it WILL be your year this next year. Quietly hoping very hard for you.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

When you see it laid out in black and white like that it really was quite the year.

I can only wish the two of you the very best of everything.


nutsinmay said...

It's so sad. Your year started out so full of hope. I'm so sorry.

As for preparing for Christmas, Christmas can go twizzle this year. I merely hope that YOU will have some fun, and a lot of peace, and know that some people you've never met who live hundreds of miles away will be raising their glasses in a toast to you and your husband tomorrow morning (yes, morning. Bucks Fizz. Obviously).

womb for improvement said...

Yeah, you've had a tough year. Thank you for your support, even when you are going through shit.

I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas.

Mick said...

What a year! My goodness.

I really hope that 2010 will be less stressful and more forgiving than this one.

The holiday in Italy was something to remember though, right? :-)

C said...

Merry Christmas! Wishing you much peace and love in the new year.

diaryofamiracle said...

Oh Jane, I always try to leave a positive comment on your posts, but I am right out of them at the moment...does it help to know you aren't alone? It helps me sometimes....and here just so you know you aren't alone in feeling this way is my Christmas story...

Fran said...

A very quick one from me to tell you that I'm thinking of you and you don't have to say anything about the new Year, I'll say that for you instead. Much love, Fran

Lisa DG said...

wishing you nothing but happiness moving forward- and I'll be here whatever 2010 brings. xoxoxo.

Lorna said...

I just found your blog via Marie's. Oh, my goodness, what a year and what an end to your year to have an ectopic pregnancy. I'm not sure what to say except that my heart goes out to you and I hope you managed to get thru xmas ok. (without your neighbour's hurling abuse too - gosh, when I started reading that post, I thought they were going to have done something wonderfully supportive but then!!)

Annie said...

Just found your blog through Stirrup Queen's. What a horrifying year you've had! So sorry to hear of all your losses.