Holy high risk of multiples, Batman!

I got my bloods tested on Tuesday, results back yesterday.

Oestradiol = 1238 (should be 400-800)
Progesterone = 150.8 (should be 60-100)

This result means that there is a very strong chance that I produced more than one egg this month. So if we hit target, we could have two little stowaways from Italy on our hands. I have never had a result like this before. WTF? Was it the Italian air, the Mediterranean diet, all the wine, or dare I say it, the relaxed state I have been in since I left work? Who knows?

The other day I was saying to John that I don't want to stick my neck out too far, but I have a good feeling about this month. I was on a supplement called FertileCM, which not only improves the go goo (TM Xbox) but also increases the libido. So between that and the heat in Italy, John thought all his birthdays and Christmases had come at once! The marathon 2ww is due to finish tomorrow week, so I will keep you posted. In the meantime I am going to lead a life of virtue with lots of fruit and veg, swimming, gym, and as little alcohol as possible. So begins another painfully long week.

Back to the grind

We had a lovely break in Merry Englande last week. Flew out on Monday and came back on Saturday. The weather was just fantastic for March. We even managed to barbeque on St Patrick's Day! Much relaxing, eating, drinking nice wine and baby making.

The day we arrived, my sister in law had a journalist and photographer around from House Beautiful doing a photo shoot in her gaff. She and her husband bought a (I think) two hundred year old stone cottage in the Cotswolds last year. When they bought it, it was very dark with lots of little adjoining rooms. They got an architect and builders in, completely gutted the place and modernised it inside. The result is nothing short of stunning. It's the kind of house I would dream about buying if I ever won the lotto. So it's great to have use of it as a base whenever the mood takes our fancy. This was the second trip we have taken over there in six months. It's just as beautiful there in Spring as it is in Autumn. We took a trip up to Hampton Court Palace while we were there. I have always had a fascination with Henry VIII and his wives, so it's somewhere I had wanted to visit for a long time. It was well worth the four hour round trip, particularly when the weather was so good.

Anyway I ovulated on the Monday, day one of our holiday. We had roughly been following the SMEP since I think day ten. We missed out on day 12, went for it on day 14, got a smiley face on day 15, so went for it again. The smiley face was still there on Monday morning, day 16, before we flew out. We hadn't time to do the necessary as our flight was quiet early in the morning, but managed a quicky that evening. So quick that if we conceived that day it'll be called Speedy Gonzalez. Or Sauvignon Blanc, as I was quite inebriated at the time. As I said before I don't usually go in for drunken shagging, but needs must and all that. (Apologies to my brother if he's reading this, for way TMI). We went for a bonus round on day 17, and after that we were officially all shagged out. Mind you Ireland's historic rugby victory on Saturday did prompt us to run upstairs and celebrate in a patriotic manner (i.e. a manner which might result in producing a future Irish tax payer). So we are both walking like John Wayne at this stage.

It's now day 23 and I'm going for my blood test this evening. Last month's results were still excellent, so I hope all the boozing of last week hasn't knocked me out of kilter hormone wise. As for 2ww symptoms, my boobs do feel a little bit sore today. But I'm paying it no attention, those fake symptoms I get from the HCG injections have fooled me too many times before. The crimson tide is due on April 2nd, which is ten days away. Any ideas for distractions for the next ten days?

Good bloods again

It looks like we have cracked the hormone issue for the third month running, despite me breaking my non dairy diet and gorging myself on chocolate all Christmas.

Progesterone - 129.2 (slightly high, but not bad)
Oestradiol - 693

I'm on CD27, but I can't test for another week. So I'm more than halfway through the 2WW. No major symptoms to report this month. John and I have been put on antibiotics for three weeks by our fertility doctor, just in case I might have a low grade uterine infection. A friend of mine was on them a few years back and told me they can make you quite quesy. I took my first two on Friday night and my second two Saturday morning. I feel really rough after the second dose, and ended up staying in my PJs all day.

So seven days to go. So far January has seemed to have flown. What's the bets this week will feel like an eternity?

Ten down, seven to go

Days that is, on my super extended two week wait. I got this month's blood test results back this morning, and it looks like we've got the formula right at last as results were.....

*** X factoresque drumroll***

Oestradiol 655
Progesterone 125.5

***Jane's ovaries burst into tears in a display of emotion to rival Alexandra***

I'm very happy to report that I am feeling like total shit. I was at my Christmas party at the weekend, had approx 4 drinks, was in bed at 3.30am and I'm still feeling like I need to catch up on my sleep after it, despite being in bed crashed out at 10pm the following night, and falling asleep on the couch at 9pm last night. But then I'm like a cat when it comes to sleep. I'd nearly sleep standing up. But still, I'm feeling knackered....hmmmm.....

In other news, my 14 year old niece is writing to the Pope to nominate me for canonisation, since I booked tickets to the Beyoncé gig for me and her. It happens to fall two days before my 40th birthday, but I'm sure that won't interfere with the party plans. I texted her to tell her, and got back one of those OMG OMG OMG texts in response. Ah bless. I might be pregnant by then, but I'm sure I will still manage to be Bootylicious as always (I certainly have an ample enough booty to shake anyway).

So anyway, I'm totally obsessing about the 2ww here. If anyone has any suggestions for fun ways of passing the time until Christmas Eve without ending up in one of those nice jackets you can hug yourself all day long in, please share.

Good news at last

Woooo hoooooo!! I had my blood test this morning and results were excellent.

Oestradiol 686 (needs to be 400-800, has never been more than 380 before)
Progeterone 81 (needs to be 60-100)

So it looks like we have the go ahead.

Think I will go and ride the living daylights out of my husband to celebrate.

Filling in time

As many of the blogging brethren have commented on their own blogs this month, it's hard to think what to blog about when you're not actively ttc in a particular cycle. Unfortunately that's my lot on an ongoing basis, until the powers that be up in Galway deem my hormones to be of an acceptable level with which to have a go at baby making. It's now a year since I last was pregnant, so it seems as though a lot of time and procreational opportunities have slipped past since then. Like my fellow ttc'ers I am still on a waiting game, but mine is a month long wait from one blood test to the next instead of a two week wait.

Anyway I'm blathering on here because I have little to report really. I'm still going to the gym, and so far I have lost 3 lbs (yay me!), but seem to be up a lb this morning compared to last Friday (boo me!). I haven't been drinking, have had a little bit of junk food this week, but not a huge amount, so I don't know what's going on. Mind you, this is my usual pattern when I try to lose weight, and I usually give up at this point. But I am determined this time. The muffin top is almost gone, and I have toned up a bit around my middle and my jelly belly, so that's progress. I'm trying to get to the gym three times a week, and not be intimidated by all the baldy, grunting, sweaty steroid heads who frequent the place. So far I have managed to avoid passively inhaling the fug of testosterone, so I haven't morphed into an Eastern European shot putter (yet).

I managed to get through this month's clomid cycle without too much weeping and wailing. I was a bit down in the dumps last weekend, but I think that could be due to the start of official winter time, and the dark evenings. I'm hoping the endorphins will keep the blues at bay.

John's niece is being christened at the end of the month, and I estimate from my ovulation date this week that I am going to be on cycle day 2 on the big day. This is usually marked by crippling period pains and full force of the crimson tide. Crimson tsunami even. I've told him that if I'm not up to it I might bow out. The other thing about it I'm dreading is that there will be friends of my brother in law's who are also friends of John's there. Some of them we haven't seen since brother in law's wedding, and they also came to our wedding. I'm pretty sure they haven't got a clue what's been going on with us for the past two years, so there's plenty potential for foot in mouth remarks as regards to our baby making plans, particularly when John is the godfather to this little one. So I'm kind of dreading the whole thing, even though it will be a nice family gathering. I just know that one misplaced remark would be enough to send me running for the bathroom.

Another event that has potential for awkwardness is coming up next week. There's a reunion on in Dublin for the bank I used to work at. When I was in my last job two or three years, the bank was bought out, and a lot of long term employees took voluntary redundancy. They still keep in touch with everyone who has left and every two years or so they have a reunion. I missed the last one as it was when I had my first miscarriage. I am going to go, because it's an opportunity to catch up with friends I haven't seen in a few years, but I'm just dreading somebody asking me how long are we married now, and any sign of the patter of little feet? Maybe most people will know not to ask, given that we've been married over three years now and I am 39 years old, which means we have either no interest in having kids, or we are trying and there's nothing happening. There's always the potential for somebody to drop a clanger though.

I'm due to have my next blood test on Tuesday. I've tried everything this month - dairy free diet, no alcohol, exercise, accupuncture. If that doesn't work I don't know what will. Tune in next week for results.

Pulling out all the stops

This month's blood test results were extremely disappointing, so this month we are bringing in the big guns. My fertility specialist has prescibed 150mg clomid for 5 days. This I am dreading, because by day 5 I am guaranteed to be a weeping gibbering basket case. But hopefully I will be able to time that with the upcoming bank holiday weekend, and if so I am just going to have an extended duvet day. A duvet weekend if you will. I'm not going to issue any invitations to potential visitors and will just chill out and enjoy some books and films at home.

I've also decided to give accupunture a try. I have tried it before for back pain, fatigue and post miscarriage recovery, and found it good for all three, so I'm going to see if it's any good for kicking my hormones up the arse. So tomorrow week I'm going in for my first session. Ironically, my accupuncturist is back from maternity leave after having her fifth child. What's more she's younger than me. She's an incredibly chilled out lady, but I suppose you'd have to be really!

I'm also going to take my non dairy diet seriously for a change. I had food intolerance testing done a few months back on the advice of my fertility clinic. I suffer from IBS and have done for years, so it seemed like a good idea to get checked out. It turned out that I have major intolerance for cow's milk. Since then, I have weaned myself off cow's milk, cut back on cheese, but I have found it very difficult to sever my love affair with Ben & Jerrys. I never realised how much dairy crops up on menus until I tried to give it up. Try ordering a non dairy desert in a restaurant. I have yet to find one that doesn't involve cream, ice cream, soft cheese or some form of milk product. The other day my fertility specialist told me I have to stick to the non dairy diet rigidly, as this can have a hugely adverse effect on hormone levels. I had been using goat's milk and associated products as a substitute, but I have been told that these are a no-no also. So as of this month, I can haz no cheezeburger. Sob! How am I going survive the infertility blues if I can't dive face first into a vat of caramel chew chew? It's going to be a tough month...

Groundhog Day

Just got my blood test results for this month.

Worse than last month.

Progesterone - 35.9 (needs to be 60-100)
Oestradiol - 332 (needs to be 400-800)

I am so shit sick of all this.

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

Tomorrow Wednesday Oct 15th is international pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Those who have a lost babies either through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death are invited to light a candle in their homes for an hour at 7pm. This will result in a global wave of light around the world for 24 hours, in memory of our lost little ones. It's a lovely idea and we will be lighting a candle in our house.

I'm still waiting on my blood test results for this months. Keeping fingers and toes crossed that we might get the all clear to be allowed to ttc next month. There's only so much waiting we can bear.

Bits and pieces

After last week's dramatic reminiscinces on the break up from hell, I'm back to thinking about more mundane issues. Such as, where's my sodding eggy white stuff? It's CD16 in the Big Brother House, and Jane is on regular cack watch. And there's not a sign of anything happening. Nothing, nada, zilch.

This month I was back on the clomid with a vengeance after a break for last month's lap cycle. My bloods were almost where they need to be last month (they need to be at 60-100 for progesterone and 400 -800 for oestradiol before we will be allowed to ttc) so as usual I had high hopes that clomid would do the job. My dose was cranked up to 100mg for six days, on day 2 to day 7. The first few days seemed ok, and I thought that maybe my system was getting used to this chemical bombardment. No such luck. By day 7 I was back to my usual basket case self. Crying at the drop of a hat for no apparant reason (other than the usual incessant pregnancy and baby chat among my colleagues) and finding it physically difficult to stop crying. Two evenings in a row I just came home from work and crashed out. Then on day 10 it was as if a cloud lifted and I felt fine again. I couldn't have cried if I tried. So it's obvious that clomid is having a very strong depressant effect on me. I thought that such strong symptoms would surely mean a whopping good quality ovulation this month. But so far nothing. Like WTF? I can usually see signs of something happening at this stage in my cycle. Weird.

In other news, John became an uncle for the fourth time while we were on holidays. She is his fourth niece, but baby number one for his youngest brother. And she is absolutely gorgeous. We called to see them at the weekend, laden down with nappies from the company shop and a seriously cute teddy bear among other things. John has been asked to be godfather, which is a first for him, and he's over the moon. Although I did get that little twinge of sadness when I held her, if anything it made us both all the more determined to keep on with this treatment. I find that I don't get as much of a jealousy feeling with newborns as I do with seeing pregnancy bumps. Maybe it's that when you see the actual baby, you know it's someone else's and you want your own baby, whereas when you see a woman with a bump it's a more generic image and more transferable to you. That's my theory anyway. I just hope to God that I'm not on clomid when the Christening comes around, if I am I don't know how I'll hold it together in front of all my in laws. Ouchy!

Results are in

Just got off the phone from my Nap.ro teacher, and the blood results were as follows for this month:
*drum roll*
Progesterone 55
Oestradiol 366

So not too bad really, considering it was my lap cycle. She also had a look at my hospital chart, and told me that I had had a considerable amount of adhesions on my left ovary, which would have adversely affected ovulation. So hopefully I'll start hatching good 'uns from now on.

I had a long chat on the phone the weekend before last with someone who has been through the same programme of treatment as me and came out the other side with two daughters, while managing to keep her sanity in one piece. I saught her out mainly to hear a positive story, but what I took away from the conversation was so much more. It was great to talk to someone who had been through the same old ding dong month in and month out (no pun intended) as we have been going through. The knicker watching, the charting, the blood tests, the injections, the clomid, the mood swings, the sheer all consuming bleakness of the whole thing. Her philosophy was that you have to take a mental step back from it all, otherwise your sanity and your relationship will suffer. So she advised me to plan as many nice events as I can in the next few months. Go on weekends away, catch up with friends, go out to dinner, do the things we used to do before we started with all this madness.

So on that note, we are off to the UK on Friday for nine days or so. We're going to be based mainly in the Cotswolds, where John's sister has a house, but we are also going to catch up with some friends who have moved to Leicester in recent months. I also plan to pop into some relatives on my side along the way. I must say, I'm looking forward to the break. I really hope the weather over there is better than here. My poor weather pixie has been stuck under that umbrella non stop for the past week.

We have also decided to do something about booking a big f**k off holiday for my 40th. Depending on how funds are, we might go to the USA, or we might avail of yet more hospitality from my wonderful sis in law, and get our asses on a flight to Dubai. Sis in law was telling me that it's a relatively short hop from there to the Maldives......very tempting. And if I did get knocked up in the meantime and wasn't feeling up to travelling, we could cancel and get a medical letter to claim a refund. Either way, I'm not going to go into a corner and mope goddammit! 40 is worth celebrating and I'm going to put on my little black dress and party! And if I do get up the Ballyjames between now and then, I'll buy a very glamourous maternity outfit. How's that for positivity?

Close but no cigar.

Well the bloods results are in.

Progesterone good - 70.7
Oestradiol bad - 296

Which is pretty much where we were two months ago. This is really beginning to feel like Groundhog Day. Just going around in circles and getting nowhere.

We're back to the clinic on Wednesday, so we will see where we go from there.

Fuck it anyway.