Assvice

A poem I found on the internet recently:

Useful Advice

You're 37? Don't you think that maybe
It's time you settled down and had a baby?
No wine? Does this mean happy news? I knew it!
Hey, are you sure you two know how to do it?
All Dennis has to do is look at me
And I'm knocked up. Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.
I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill—
A friend of mine got pregnant when she stopped
Working so hard. Why don't you two adopt?
You'll have one of your own then, like my niece.
At work I heard about this herb from Greece—
My sister swears by dong quai. Want to try it?
Forget the high-tech stuff. Just change your diet.
It’s true! Too much caffeine can make you sterile.
Yoga is good for that. My cousin Carol—
They have these ceremonies in Peru—
You mind my asking, is it him or you?
Have you tried acupuncture? Meditation?
It’s in your head. Relax! Take a vacation
And have some fun. You think too much. Stop trying.
Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying?

Catherine Tufariello

The alternative to just relaxing

The Irish Catholic alternative that is, for the over 70s - religion! Again, why didn't I think of that? Here's a sample of older generations' comments and advice -

"You should get your house blessed. I did that and a year later we had our first child". So if I give in and do this, and we do have a baby, it'll be all down to the ould shake of holy water that Father Pat threw around the gaff, not the year of fertility drugs and the hammer and tongs shagging.

"How about a trip to Lourdes? Lots of women conceive after dunking in the holy water baths there". What? You mean their tubes miraculously unknot or their polycystic ovaries are polycystic no more? The closest I've ever known of a miraculous cure was the one my brothers used to get every Sunday morning in the pub in Knock. Courtesy of St Arthur Guinness.

"I'm praying to Padre Pio/St Joseph/St Anne to get you pregnant". Really, Padre Pio is going to do the job. And I was going to give my husband all the credit. While you're at it throw in a few words to St Jude, he's for hopeless causes, isn't he?

Why is it that some people make me feel like I am just not on good enough terms with the Man Above to warrant a baby? Do they think it's only church goers who earn themselves babies?
What about all the smack heads, murderers and general wrong doers who have kids?

***Pfffzzzzzzztttt*** (Bolt of lightening strikes Jane and she descends straight to hell)

That bloody "R" word

Lately a few people have started to ask me how our fertility treatment is going. I usually explain to them about the treatment I'm on, and how after a very tough year we have now been given the go ahead to start trying to conceive again.

And guess what pearl of wisdom always comes next? "Well the main thing really is that you need to relax about it all and it will happen". Really? Like, no shit? Gosh I've never heard that before. What original unsolicited advice you offer, you patronising fertile person. Any ideas on relaxations techniques? A bit of ohm chanting before shagging? Meditating under one of those hippy pyramid things? Inscence burning? No ideas? Then fuck off and keep your platitudes to yourself.